ummmm

remember the time you told me
that you could taste my energy?
i saw a picture that reminded me of that...
and how much passion we used to have.
running into you the other day
made my heart flutter.
you calling me love...
dear...
telling me you missed me...
hugging you
and remembering your smell...
all i wanted to hear was for you to say

is it me?

well i was going to do a stoner ramble... but coming to this site and to log in, i came across more porn on the internet browser. i don't know why it bugs me so much... i mean almost all my ex's had porn... hell i've watched it with them. but he does it all hush hush.... like i shouldn't know that he likes porn. also it kind of bugs me that our sex life has come down to a few times a month. (it used to be a few times a week) i'm a very physical person.... and almost all the men i've been with for a long term were also very sexually physical. i'm not used to or liking the lack passion, sensations, and just sex. and it doesn't have to be sex. just making out, holding each other, playing with each other..... it doesn't always have to end in sex (or B.J.). i want to feel loved, special, beautiful.... (i don't ever recalling him calling me beautiful. just sexy.... hot.... and they are not the same) i want to look at him, and see him get lost in my eyes, as i do in his. i want to feel a spark that i have felt with another..... i don't know really what to do. i care about... i love him. that's another thing... i'm afraid to say it.... that i love him. i'm afraid that he won't respond in the same way. and this is making me realize that we aren't meant to be. that this will not lead any where. and the longer i wait it out, the harder it will be to end it.... and the longer it will take to find someone who is really meant for me.... who gets me, understands me, and that isn't afraid of me and what i have.

wishes

wishing that you would notice me
i feel like i'm only a shell of what was once
i sit here and nothing changes
still wishing for sunny days
wishing for no more worries
my feelings run deep
i sometimes feel like i'll overflow
with love
i wish these times would last
because other times i feel so empty
and only you can fill this everlasting hole
i wish you felt the same
that without me
your life would be dark and empty
i sit here wishing that i was the person
i used to be
that nothing could hold me back
that regret was not in my vocabulary
i wish that i could be
the person you really wanted
that i was your dream come true
i wish you were my dream come true

well then....

well i have discovered that marvin really enjoys porn.... and nothing that even resembles me. i'm a bigger girl, very busty, very curvy.... these chicks he looks at are very thin... petite, no breasts (or next to none) i guess i shouldn't worry... but sex has been less than it ever was with us, he's never in the mood.... then seeing these images i think maybe he's not all that into me physically. that i don't turn him on.

all this makes me miss my time with another. i never felt like i wasn't good enough, sexy enough, or anything bad. i was told that i was like a goddess... that i was beautiful.... that our memories would last forever. but events of my life now restrict me from even attempting to rekindle old flames. i miss being free of all the things that make my life more complicated.

i guess this rant is about how i want to feel wanted, sexy, beautiful, and appreciated. well i guess this is all for now.

all alone for once

wow, a weekend without marvin! it's been so nice not having to worry about waking him up in the morning... or having to cook a meal... cereal has been most of my meals for the last 2 days! to come and go, and not worry about how my house will look when i get back. my ciggs and weed has been lasting me a lot longer with out him being around. i'm loving my solitude!

don't get me wrong... i love hanging out with him, and i like/ care about him a lot... even on the verge of loving him. but he's here all the time.... from the time i get up, to when i get off work, to when i go to sleep at night. i'm just not used to having someone here all the time.... i live alone so i can be alone, have my space, and not worry about what others think, need, or want....

oh! alex got a hold of me! i found out his dad passed away recently... very sad. and his building has to be torn down.... but the reason for him dropping off the face of the earth is still unknown. i'm glad that he's still around and breathing. i was very worried about him.

other than that, not much going on. my sister is getting married in a few months, my kid sister is no longer the cute little girl that i loved hanging out with.... now she's an annoying 8 yr old. so sad.... i work, but not enough... i struggle almost everyday with the stress of making sure bills are paid, cats have what they need, and that there's food in the house.

well that's it for now.

is it just chance that this happens?

i dream of your touch, your kiss, of you

and you become available.

it's almost as if it were meant to be.

i know this is more of my crazy desires

that some how you and i would rekindle

what is now only embers.

that you would look at me and past all my faults

and say you love me.

you would take my hand, and hold it tight

and kiss me until i was dizzy in your arms

i know this is just a dream

and i know it'll remain as a dream,

it'll be our memories i'll live with.

urges

it's been a while now

since our bodies have touched

since words have been exchanged

since your image was in my mind

all of a sudden

i've felt this strong urge to see you again

i've revisited our memories

all the times we shared

and i've missed you

i've missed so much about you

the willingness to feel, the passion, and beauty

i've missed you playing with my hands

you laying in my lap

showers that had nothing to do with

cleaning ourselves

i've been aching for your kiss

your touch...

memories are just not enough

i wish we could make more.