blah, fucking blah!

why is every thing so difficult?
why does it seem to never end?
i feel like i've felt this way for years
i feel like i've aged years in months
nothing seems good or right
i feel empty and dirty....
unworthy of love or affection
is there no end to this?
is brighter days just ahead?
i hope so....
i need days of light and love again
i need to feel normal and at peace one more time
for right now....
i feel so lonely and eager for change

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i don't know what to do. i feel so down right now. (and have since i found out about my best friend and the infector)

well, this past weekend i went camping with some friends. an ex of mine from 10 yrs ago happens to be friends with my friends boyfriend. all four of us shared one tent, 2 air beds. me and the ex got one bed together.... we both went to bed around the same time. we stay up for a while talking. we ended up making out, got pretty hot and heavy.... and then he wanted to move on farther. i ended up breaking down, and telling him i have herpes. so i couldn't have sex with him. he was awesome. he held me, petted my head, and told me it would be ok. after i stopped crying, we started to talk about the risks, and how to lower the risks. we kissed some more, and went to sleep. he held me most of the night. he made me feel good about myself. my friend hopes me and him get together. lol. who knows. he didn't freak out, but take it slow... and see if there is something there.

well i gotta head to work soonish. so bye for now.

what the fuck is going on?

wow, i found out my best friend, who tried to hook me up with my infector, is now seeing him! she is leaving her husband of 5 yrs, to be with this guy! she says there has been issues between her and her husband for a while now. (yet she has never indicated anything to me) and this is both their choice. she'll talk to me more when she's not driving. i don't know how i feel about all this. but the thing i do know is, i would never go out with the person who infected my best friend with gential herpes. it hasn't been that long. i'm still dealing with this. i don't know how i really feel towards the guy as it is.... so she thinks it's ok to go with him. wow.

and the first shocker for me was this morning. there was this guy i was hanging out with. the last time i was over there( 3 days ago ) we made out, made plans to hang out later in the week. well last night we were supposed to hang out after he got off work. well we never hung out. checked my facebook this morning, and saw he and his ex got back together. i guess they re kindled things last night. (i'm ok with this, just was a shocker)

well hopefully i will find someone. being single is fun and all, but i'm sick of it. one day......(sigh)

i guess i will let you all go for now. bye!

FUCKING BLAH!

can things be any more boring! it seems i have no life. all i do is work, eat, toke, sleep.... repeat. there's got to be more than this. it's like i'm stuck in this place. and why? because. that's why. i finally have a job where i can take time off, and not worry about it. and yet here i am, sitting at my computer, writing a blog no one reads.

and i still have next to no love life. the only person i can get any physical interaction would be the infector. (the person who gave me herpes) how lame is that? i wish things were different. i wish i was the person i was only a few months ago. i don't want to fucking deal with this anymore! but i really have no choice. (well i guess i could always just off myself) i think this has been the roughest time of my life. it's supposed to get better. (not the physical, the emotional) i feel like i should be over this, i shouldn't be upset. i should shut up and deal. but i really don't know how. i don't have anyone to talk to about this. to my friends, i'm ok. i'm dealing well. but inside, i feel so empty. all i want to do is get stoned, and pretend this isn't my life. how fucked up is that? really? drug induced happiness..... fucked up.

well, i'm all depressing, so i'm just going to shut up for now.

womenhood sucks!

yeah, having peroids sucks! the cramps, headaches, bloating.... enough said.

but all in all, today has been a good day. i got out of work at 12:30pm. today was pay day. paid all my bills, got some happiness in a bag..... going grocery shopping soonish. it's nice out side, so i biked to planned parenthood, and just all over actually. my legs ache a bit from this. (but it's a good ache)

well, i'm pretty sure "jay" is out of the picture. i haven't heard from him in almost a week and a half, i see that's he's been online, and leaves me emails left unread. so whatever. i guess i'm happy i didn't tell him anything..... could destroy my whole online dating. lol. i think i'll just give up for now, be happy as i am. i'll come across the right guy soon enough.

so yeah, my kitten doesn't understand that i don't want her on my lap. i just pushed her down like 4 times, and now she's sitting by my chair, glaring at me. lol.... cats are funny.

end of story....bye for now

i'm so bored!

my god! i'm so bored! there is really nothing to do around here. and i have no money at the moment. so it really limits me. also it's really crappy around here.... rain and temps. around 50 or so. (the temp. isn't bad... but the wind and rain)

well my best friend had her baby on saturday. a lil girl. and i got to see the birth! very awesome and beautiful. i almost cried. and she's a beautiful little girl. i'm very grateful to be apart of the whole baby being born thing.

back to me being bored.... other than seeing a baby being born, i have nothing going on in my life. the guy "jay" and i haven't talked in a while... i don't know what's going on w/ that. he doesn't know about the whole herpes thing. and as far as i know, i haven't done anything else to scare him off.... so yeah. i work all the time, then come home watch tv, if it's nice out; i'll bike, shit like that. i have no life. (this is probably why no reads this..lol)

well, i have nothing else to blab about at the moment....so yeah....bye for now.

it's finally getting warm out side!

i'm so happy! it's finally getting nice outside! winter is offically over. it's funny, i'm a winter person. but this year, i just couldn't wait for it to get nice outside. i guess biking has become a big part of who i am now, and when i can't bike i feel so blah!

well, still talking to jay. haven't seen him since last week. hopefully i'll get to see him soon again. and when i do get to see him again i think it will be the time to tell him. i'm going to start out with questions like.... where do you see "us" going? what do you want to become of this? what do you feel for me? and then, depending on his answers, i will tell him. he says he really likes me, and wants thing to go on to something. he doesn't seem to mind the whole idea of waiting for sex. he doesn't want to rush things either. so maybe this will work.... and he will still want to go on with an actual relationship. i guess i'll will have to wait and see. time will tell.

well i guess i'll let you all go for now. (not that any one really reads this) bye for now!