random thoughts

our lips touched, and i felt a spark
you held my hand, and i melted
your eyes, so intense
look into mine, and all i can do is smile
i want to be held by you all the time
i want you to be in my life
but i have to tell you
that i'm not as perfect as i appear
my life took a wrong turn
it's been a long battle with coming to terms with this
so how can i expect you to understand
how i can i expect you to want me?
i can see your beauty and passion
it beams through your ways and words
i can see that you are something special
and i want to be a part of that
to hold your hand, and say it's all ok
when the world falls apart
but you need to know of the thing that inhabits my body
and the pain and sorrow it can bring
so, the choice is yours
hear my story, and live our lives to the best way possible.

it's been interesting

well lately things have been interesting.... i ended up sleeping with a friend of mine, who knows what's going on in my life... and it was great... and actually the greatest part of it all was that he does not have herpes, and really didn't care that i do. it made me realize that this really isn't the end for me...lol. i've read all these stories about people with it, and finding love. but nothing has been all that great for me. and we're not planning a relationship or anything. and it may have been just that one time. but hey, if he didn't mind, then other people won't either. (at least ones with an open mind, and understands the risks, and how to protect themselves) well, that's actually it on that part of life...lol. so i'll write again later.

fuck fuck fuck!

well, i haven't wrote in a while. but then, nothing has been going on really. (and i'm sure no one reads this)

so.... still have not had a second out break! thank God! (and knock on wood...lol) i got my lip pierced with my best friend. (it's fucking hot!) started talking to "jay" again. (he still knows nothing about my herpes) my mom's adoptive father passed away 2 weeks ago. (i never really knew the man... so i never really considered him my grandpa) other than that... nothing going on.

oh! my ceiling leaks i found out. the apartment above me let their tub over flow... and it all went into my kitchen. that was sunday... and i'm still cleaning out water. why they didn't shut off the water when they realized that the tub was not draining is beyond me. but it pissed me off a lot... and my landlord has not called me back yet. bitch!

well, i guess this is where i'm going to let off for now. so bye for now.....

blah, fucking blah!

why is every thing so difficult?
why does it seem to never end?
i feel like i've felt this way for years
i feel like i've aged years in months
nothing seems good or right
i feel empty and dirty....
unworthy of love or affection
is there no end to this?
is brighter days just ahead?
i hope so....
i need days of light and love again
i need to feel normal and at peace one more time
for right now....
i feel so lonely and eager for change

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i don't know what to do. i feel so down right now. (and have since i found out about my best friend and the infector)

well, this past weekend i went camping with some friends. an ex of mine from 10 yrs ago happens to be friends with my friends boyfriend. all four of us shared one tent, 2 air beds. me and the ex got one bed together.... we both went to bed around the same time. we stay up for a while talking. we ended up making out, got pretty hot and heavy.... and then he wanted to move on farther. i ended up breaking down, and telling him i have herpes. so i couldn't have sex with him. he was awesome. he held me, petted my head, and told me it would be ok. after i stopped crying, we started to talk about the risks, and how to lower the risks. we kissed some more, and went to sleep. he held me most of the night. he made me feel good about myself. my friend hopes me and him get together. lol. who knows. he didn't freak out, but take it slow... and see if there is something there.

well i gotta head to work soonish. so bye for now.

what the fuck is going on?

wow, i found out my best friend, who tried to hook me up with my infector, is now seeing him! she is leaving her husband of 5 yrs, to be with this guy! she says there has been issues between her and her husband for a while now. (yet she has never indicated anything to me) and this is both their choice. she'll talk to me more when she's not driving. i don't know how i feel about all this. but the thing i do know is, i would never go out with the person who infected my best friend with gential herpes. it hasn't been that long. i'm still dealing with this. i don't know how i really feel towards the guy as it is.... so she thinks it's ok to go with him. wow.

and the first shocker for me was this morning. there was this guy i was hanging out with. the last time i was over there( 3 days ago ) we made out, made plans to hang out later in the week. well last night we were supposed to hang out after he got off work. well we never hung out. checked my facebook this morning, and saw he and his ex got back together. i guess they re kindled things last night. (i'm ok with this, just was a shocker)

well hopefully i will find someone. being single is fun and all, but i'm sick of it. one day......(sigh)

i guess i will let you all go for now. bye!

FUCKING BLAH!

can things be any more boring! it seems i have no life. all i do is work, eat, toke, sleep.... repeat. there's got to be more than this. it's like i'm stuck in this place. and why? because. that's why. i finally have a job where i can take time off, and not worry about it. and yet here i am, sitting at my computer, writing a blog no one reads.

and i still have next to no love life. the only person i can get any physical interaction would be the infector. (the person who gave me herpes) how lame is that? i wish things were different. i wish i was the person i was only a few months ago. i don't want to fucking deal with this anymore! but i really have no choice. (well i guess i could always just off myself) i think this has been the roughest time of my life. it's supposed to get better. (not the physical, the emotional) i feel like i should be over this, i shouldn't be upset. i should shut up and deal. but i really don't know how. i don't have anyone to talk to about this. to my friends, i'm ok. i'm dealing well. but inside, i feel so empty. all i want to do is get stoned, and pretend this isn't my life. how fucked up is that? really? drug induced happiness..... fucked up.

well, i'm all depressing, so i'm just going to shut up for now.