stoner mind set

awwww.... i really wish marvin would tell me he wants more than just the physical relationship we have. again, i'm watching myself fall for him. there's just something about him.... i don't know what it is, or why i like him so much. i just do. but i don't want to be the first one to bring it up. i exposed my feelings to him before, and it left me hurt. (reason 1 why i shouldn't get involved with him again) but he makes me feel good about myself. we can just goof off, and joke around.... act like kids pretty much. i'm happy around him, i can just be myself and be ok with it. but i would like to know it's more than a passing fancy, or just friends with benefits. (reason 2, i want more than a sex partner... i want a boyfriend) i want to be his girlfriend, i want him to be my boyfriend. i guess i'll go a couple more weeks, see what happens. then i'll bring it up, see where he sits with the idea. i'm not sure if he's looking for a real relationship. for all i know, he could be still hung up about his ex. we just don't talk about it. so yeah.

it's seems like such a lazy day. the one of my 3 cats i see is sleeping, my gecko is sleeping, it's cloudy-windy-and cold outside, and yeah... i'm stoned. thank God for weekends! (well thank God for a lot more than that! thank him for everything.... everyday we should thank him..... yay God!)

well, i guess i should quit rambling.... not that thanking and giving praise to God is rambling ..... it's not. all the other stuff is pretty much just rambling though.... so yeah.... bye for now.

blarg

well, i still don't know whats going on with alex. today it's 3 weeks since i last saw and talked with him. i'm really concerned about him. but i will know nothing more until he calls me back. and it's not even about what "we" are. i just want to know that he is alive and doing as well as he can.

out side of that. marvin and i have been hanging out more. kinda picking up where we left off. lots of physical acts.... and just hanging out. i really like him, but that is nothing new. i've liked him for a while now. but i thought with him returning to his ex, that alex and i were meant to be. i guess not. marvin and his ex are no longer. (other wise i wouldn't be doing all the naughtiness that i have been) i've been thinking more and more that i really do want to be with him, but i don't know what he is feeling towards me. i know he likes me, i know we have a lot of fun together, and i know he cares about me.... but in what sense? as friends.. as something more... or is it just friends that fuck. i'm hoping i can come up with the guts to ask him. also, i know a lot of my friends are not fond of him. so am i really willing to deal with that on top of everything? (and i thought my teen years were confusing)

oh! finally got my period! yippy!!! about a month ago marvin and i slept together, the condom broke.... well just about 2 days later, i took that plan b one step pill. up until this week, everything was fine. then my time of month was late.... by 5 days. so i took a pregnacy test, it came out that there was no baby, but still no period. this morning, marvin and i were messing around. after finishing, he went to the bathroom to remove the condom. calls me in there, and there was blood on it.... i was so happy! no more worries! and we both got a good laugh out it.

well i guess that is it for now. write more later.

not sure whats going on

it's sad... saw alex a week ago, had a great time... and now i can't get a hold of him. it's not normal for us to go a week with out talking. it could be him deal with his family issues right now, but he could at least send me an e-mail, or return my calls once in a while.... i don't know.

then i get all scared that someone may have said something to him. a few weeks ago, marvin and i ended up sleeping together. we had too much to drink, and things happen. and marvin, alex, and marvin's roommate is all on myspace. someone could have said something. (even though i don't really think any of them would say anything) but you never know. all i know is i'm concerned about him, and i wish he would call. (also, alex and i are not going out, dating, or anything like that right now.... i would love to be his girlfriend, but we haven't got to that point yet)

so yeah, i've been sad about this... other things in my life.... i sprained my ankle pretty badly 2 wks ago. now i have a huge ER bill.... damn them and charging so much for an air brace ($83, which you can find at walgreens for $15) my hydrocodone (for 2 pill at the hospital it cost me $16, and i got a presciption of 15 of them for $10) and well the visit it self was $292, and x-rays were $194..... shitty. and now my younger sister is in the hospital... we found out she has corhn's disease, had to have surgery to remove a part of her intestines, her appendix was also removed, and a cyst off her ovary.... the size of a baby's head!

well that's my quick update. bye for now.

my god, what have i done

i can't understand how this happened
why now?
why did i give in?
swirling and confusing feelings
how can my heart be split between two?
how could it felt so good, yet make me so guilty?
now more issues to complicate the situation
your seed was delivered
and now we have to wait and see
all this when i have the one who accepts me
who cares, who doesn't think twice about the risks
but last night all risks were put aside
and passion took over
it over whelmed us both
and now we pay the price of our unfaithfulness

things are looking good

Merry Christmas to all! according to my clock.... it is 1:12am, Christmas morning... so HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!

well, alex got a car this past week. very exciting. and he came over weds. night. and yeah, we had a lot of fun. being with him made me feel so good about myself. i felt completely normal. he was the one making all the moves.... "want to go to your bed?", shortly after pulling out condoms..... we came well prepared. and i loved every moment of it. we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. either we were holding hands, or kissing, he would trace along the outer rim of my ear with his finger, and pet my hair... we talked, played with my cats, watched some t.v., hung out with a few of my friends he has met before. then we fell asleep in each others arms. (awww.... so sweet... even for me...lol) but yeah, it was awesomeness. he promises that he'll be coming up here more often now.

other than that... an ex of mine came to town for the holidays. we dated for nearly 7 yrs. broke up about 3 1/2yrs ago. now lives across the country from home. we remained friends after the breakup...and i knew he was coming to town.

so he called me this morning (technically yesterday morning) ; as alex and i were getting ready for the day, if i had a sled... or if i knew where he put his inner tube... or if he gave it to me at some point... or if it popped... etc. well i didn't. so we made plans to hang out for the evening. but, if i wanted to hang out with him, i would have to meet his new girlfriend. well we went out to a thai food restaurant, chit chatted, hung out at my house. she is a high school english teacher, for the 11th and 12th grades. i give her props for that.... she seems nice... but it was just weird to see my ex rubbing her leg, or taking her hand. this is his first real relationship since our breakup. and we did have a point we were friends with benefits. so it was just awkward to me. but not as bad as i thought it would be.

they seem like an old couple though. going to dinner parties... playing clever little games with friends... there were talking about a pancake party. and how they made a "Louisiana basket" and how they forgot to pack the sugar cane syrup with. because down south, they really don't use maple syrup. and how they have to make a "wisconsin basket" for her folks.... and this is opposed to my and alex's relationship. we're like teenyboppers.... making out in front of others, him laying on me, or whispering in my ear, kissing my neck as i talked to my friends. (i guess in a way it was better that alex went home before my ex came over.... that would have really awkward)

well i have rambled on long enough tonight. (or morning... now it's 1:30am) go good morning/night, and merry Christmas!

tis the season

well, we got our first snow fall! and it's still going.... expecting 6'' to 1'.... awesomeness! i was hoping we were going to have a snow day at my day care, but i never got a call from work.... so i guess i have to go in today. (i was really hoping for paid day off)

yeah... last night (actually early morning) was weird... marvin called me from the cop shop @ 4:30 this morning. i didn't tell me why he was @ the police dept. but asked if i could find him a ride from there. his roommate pretty much told him to fuck off... his words... and @ that time no one else could help. i don't drive, so i couldn't really help him. and it was 4:30am. also, it's blizzard like condition outside. i'm guessing he was driving drunk again, and got caught. finally.... i've been telling him that drinking and driving is a bad idea, that he can crash @ my place... shit like that, it never mattered to him. i'm hoping he had to spend the night. i'll call him tonight, and find out what happened. i'm also thinking of going to the bakery where his roommate works, see what i can find out.

good news... alex is getting a car. hopefully before christmas. i'm so excited! he promises that he'll come up to me more often. still don't know what to classify this as. (in terms of relationship) but i like it. we both really like each other it seems. (i know i really like him) and i hope things work out between us. i would love to see this go some where beautiful.

work is going great! a new kid started yesterday, and friday 2 more kids start. 2 infants, and one 5 yr old. hoping for more, so i can finally get full time hrs again. i wouldn't mind that at all!

well, that's all for now. merry christmas and/or happy holidays to all! bye for now

lol..... life is funny sometimes

well, a friend of mine was kind of enough to toke with me. well we were sitting around watching t.v. chit chatting... and i brought up how i went down to see alex again this weekend. (a friend wanted to go shopping, and where we went, is where alex lives) he asked me who alex was, and i told him a guy i'm kind of seeing. he got a sad look on his face, and said he was wondering if i was single or not... then he went on to tell me that he is horny, and hasn't had anything in about 4 months. sorry....i can't help you there.....

but yeah... got to see alex saturday. awesomeness! my friend amy wanted to go out of town, and go shopping. so we headed out, and she told me to call alex, and tell him that we could all hang out. so i called, asked if he wanted to hang out. and of course he did....:) we made out quite a bit. i was cool, amy likes him so far... and yeah. we talked tonight, we are planning for him to come up to me.... hang out in my hometown for the weekend.... maybe do some naughty things.....:P we'll see. hopefully everything works out, and we get to see each other.

well that's all for tonight.... 1:20am here.... so yeah, bed time. night!