my god, what have i done

i can't understand how this happened
why now?
why did i give in?
swirling and confusing feelings
how can my heart be split between two?
how could it felt so good, yet make me so guilty?
now more issues to complicate the situation
your seed was delivered
and now we have to wait and see
all this when i have the one who accepts me
who cares, who doesn't think twice about the risks
but last night all risks were put aside
and passion took over
it over whelmed us both
and now we pay the price of our unfaithfulness

things are looking good

Merry Christmas to all! according to my clock.... it is 1:12am, Christmas morning... so HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!

well, alex got a car this past week. very exciting. and he came over weds. night. and yeah, we had a lot of fun. being with him made me feel so good about myself. i felt completely normal. he was the one making all the moves.... "want to go to your bed?", shortly after pulling out condoms..... we came well prepared. and i loved every moment of it. we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. either we were holding hands, or kissing, he would trace along the outer rim of my ear with his finger, and pet my hair... we talked, played with my cats, watched some t.v., hung out with a few of my friends he has met before. then we fell asleep in each others arms. (awww.... so sweet... even for me...lol) but yeah, it was awesomeness. he promises that he'll be coming up here more often now.

other than that... an ex of mine came to town for the holidays. we dated for nearly 7 yrs. broke up about 3 1/2yrs ago. now lives across the country from home. we remained friends after the breakup...and i knew he was coming to town.

so he called me this morning (technically yesterday morning) ; as alex and i were getting ready for the day, if i had a sled... or if i knew where he put his inner tube... or if he gave it to me at some point... or if it popped... etc. well i didn't. so we made plans to hang out for the evening. but, if i wanted to hang out with him, i would have to meet his new girlfriend. well we went out to a thai food restaurant, chit chatted, hung out at my house. she is a high school english teacher, for the 11th and 12th grades. i give her props for that.... she seems nice... but it was just weird to see my ex rubbing her leg, or taking her hand. this is his first real relationship since our breakup. and we did have a point we were friends with benefits. so it was just awkward to me. but not as bad as i thought it would be.

they seem like an old couple though. going to dinner parties... playing clever little games with friends... there were talking about a pancake party. and how they made a "Louisiana basket" and how they forgot to pack the sugar cane syrup with. because down south, they really don't use maple syrup. and how they have to make a "wisconsin basket" for her folks.... and this is opposed to my and alex's relationship. we're like teenyboppers.... making out in front of others, him laying on me, or whispering in my ear, kissing my neck as i talked to my friends. (i guess in a way it was better that alex went home before my ex came over.... that would have really awkward)

well i have rambled on long enough tonight. (or morning... now it's 1:30am) go good morning/night, and merry Christmas!

tis the season

well, we got our first snow fall! and it's still going.... expecting 6'' to 1'.... awesomeness! i was hoping we were going to have a snow day at my day care, but i never got a call from work.... so i guess i have to go in today. (i was really hoping for paid day off)

yeah... last night (actually early morning) was weird... marvin called me from the cop shop @ 4:30 this morning. i didn't tell me why he was @ the police dept. but asked if i could find him a ride from there. his roommate pretty much told him to fuck off... his words... and @ that time no one else could help. i don't drive, so i couldn't really help him. and it was 4:30am. also, it's blizzard like condition outside. i'm guessing he was driving drunk again, and got caught. finally.... i've been telling him that drinking and driving is a bad idea, that he can crash @ my place... shit like that, it never mattered to him. i'm hoping he had to spend the night. i'll call him tonight, and find out what happened. i'm also thinking of going to the bakery where his roommate works, see what i can find out.

good news... alex is getting a car. hopefully before christmas. i'm so excited! he promises that he'll come up to me more often. still don't know what to classify this as. (in terms of relationship) but i like it. we both really like each other it seems. (i know i really like him) and i hope things work out between us. i would love to see this go some where beautiful.

work is going great! a new kid started yesterday, and friday 2 more kids start. 2 infants, and one 5 yr old. hoping for more, so i can finally get full time hrs again. i wouldn't mind that at all!

well, that's all for now. merry christmas and/or happy holidays to all! bye for now

lol..... life is funny sometimes

well, a friend of mine was kind of enough to toke with me. well we were sitting around watching t.v. chit chatting... and i brought up how i went down to see alex again this weekend. (a friend wanted to go shopping, and where we went, is where alex lives) he asked me who alex was, and i told him a guy i'm kind of seeing. he got a sad look on his face, and said he was wondering if i was single or not... then he went on to tell me that he is horny, and hasn't had anything in about 4 months. sorry....i can't help you there.....

but yeah... got to see alex saturday. awesomeness! my friend amy wanted to go out of town, and go shopping. so we headed out, and she told me to call alex, and tell him that we could all hang out. so i called, asked if he wanted to hang out. and of course he did....:) we made out quite a bit. i was cool, amy likes him so far... and yeah. we talked tonight, we are planning for him to come up to me.... hang out in my hometown for the weekend.... maybe do some naughty things.....:P we'll see. hopefully everything works out, and we get to see each other.

well that's all for tonight.... 1:20am here.... so yeah, bed time. night!

*sigh* tired of my life

well, hanging out with alex was great! we had a lot of fun. but that was two weeks ago. i miss him very much. i wish i could just see him a lot more than i get to. but that's what i get for getting involved with someone who lives an hour south of me, and neither of us drive....

well on with my rant. i'm so sick of hearing about my friends and their relationships..... all i hear is "i love him so much... he's so great..." yadayadayada. and really this is all about one friend of mine. lately i've really needed to talk to someone, and she is the one that's around. i have listened to her the last few months about her now ex boyfriend, and their problems. and now about how great her new boyfriend is. and every time i try to talk to her, open up about whats on my mind... she has to one up me, and go into her life. i am happy she is with someone she really likes, and all. but i really don't want to hear about it all the time. i would like to have my time to talk, and her to listen. she is really all about herself, and everything has to be about her and her love life. and with me, i haven't been in a good relationship in a long time, i've been lonely, and just need someone to be there. like today, she called me back (last night i called to hang out, and she was sleeping i guess) asking if i wanted to go shopping with her. well i'm going out of town for a while today. so i asked if we could hang out later today. well her and her boyfriend haven't hung out in 2 days... even though they live together... and so she can't hang out with me. i know i sound like a whinny lil kid, but really.... i need someone to hang out with, someone i can turn to when i'm feeling down. this whole herpes thing is getting me down. who is really going to want to be with me for the long run? who is going to risk their own health for me? i keep thinking about settling down, finding mr. right, having a family.... but who going to want that with me?

well that's enough of that. maybe things with alex will work out. he seems to really like me, and accepts me and all my flaws. we will have to wait and see.

i guess that it's for now... bye

down in milwakee

well here i am sitting in milwaukee. fun fun... and actually it is. i have off work... (vacation day) came up here with mel, saw her aunts new baby, and went to see my friend who recently moved here. and this is where i'm sitting right now. but the main reason to come down was to see alex. (the one friend here, that i told about my condition, and was cool with it)

i went to his work, he gave me a hug right away. then we went out back to have a cigarette. an there we just started making out. it was nice. i'll be spending the night there, and going home tomorrow or sunday.... not sure yet. also depends on how i'm getting home. if i need to, i can call mel and she'll come and get me. or alex may be able to borrow a car from his friend, and drive me home. we'll have to wait and see.

well, i think i'm going to go smoke a cig, bye for now

i thought i could trust you,
that my heart would be safe,
and that no fears would surface.
but i was wrong....
i told you the truth,
gave myself to you in all ways
that i could.
you held my hand,
and dried my tears....
and when you excepted the risk
i thought you were the one.
then you lie....
you hid behind past love.
that you have to see if it could be.
you hid behind technicalities.
that what we had was not real,
and so there is nothing to end.
testing the waters, is what he said.
and you hid behind the overcoming fear of the unknown
and it consumes you.
these are the reasons we parted ways.
all that could have been said days ago,
but you waited till now.

men suck ass

well, things between me and marvin are over. he has been avoiding me since wensday.... we finally talked saturday. he's been hanging out with his ex girlfriend, who is visiting from out of state. i guess he feels things for her. fine and dandy. but making me wait for 4 days, and just being an ass is just childish. when we did talk, he pretty much told me this was not a serious relationship, we were just "testing the waters" with each other, and that we never said we couldn't see other people. well to me, if i'm with someone for 3 months, it's a relationship. one time we were joking around, and i said i would have to tell my other boyfriend. he looked at me, and said that he hopes i don't really have someone else other than him. i said that i don't, that he was the only one in my life. so there, i took it as an understanding that we were only seeing each other, no one else.

but then he got upset about the possibility of him having herpes. he has had a bump (pimple like thing) near the head of his penis for the last 2 weeks. it doesn't hurt, burn or itch.... so i keep telling him he needs to get tested. the only way to know for sure is to get tested. that he's only stressing himself out, and he may not even have anything to worry about. then he said, that this situation would be the biggest regret of his life... and that if he has it, who would want him..... he was saying this to me... i've been dealing with this for 9 months now. i asked him, does that mean that i'm the biggest regret of his life, and he didn't say anything. and then i told him, that it isn't the end of his life, it could be worse, and that i appreciated every thing he has done. it proved to me that people still want to be with me, that i'm still worthy of love and affection.

but all in all, he said his behavior was not excusable. he should have told me about everything earlier. that he does care about me, he likes me, and i'm a really cool chick. and very dateable. it's just his heart is somewhere else. which i'm ok with... i understand everything he's feeling. from the rekindled feelings for an ex to the fears and bad stigma of herpes. but he just should of all this days ago. instead i was left there, confused, upset, and hurt.

well, i got to get back to work now... yay.... preschool age children... lol. bye for now

it's been great!

well my 26th birthday has come and passed. (oct. 23) went to madison with my friend mel, who's birthday was 3 days before mine. got a nice piece, toked the whole time, ate at an Italian place, got some bumper stickers for my bike, and things like that. oh yeah... i got laid! marvin and i finally decided to express ourselves physically. :) it was awesome! but that was very early morning on my birthday. i got about 3 hrs of sleep for the madison trip. lol. and since having sex we have been spending more time together, he is seeming more into me, more lovey dovey.... i love it! i haven't been this happy for quite sometime.

other then that.... went to a "zombie prom night".... all people dressed as zombies were recorded chasing and "eating" a drunk guy walking down the street. i ended up tripping because of my platform knee high boots....hit my knee, sprained my wrist, and pulled a muscle in my leg. my friend amanda ended up meeting the sidewalk with her face, biting her lower lip, and cracking her knee pretty badly. (she tripped over me after i fell.....lol.... i guess that's what she gets for following so closely) we didn't know how bad her face got it until she washed off all the fake blood.

i watched my friend dez burn her wedding dress and all things the reminded her of her ex husband. her divorce was finalized last week... it was a lot of fun. i got to rip the dress off of her, drank some beer, dez met marvin, and playing with sparklers.

last night was the nightmare before christmas party. pretty awesome! my friends mixed music samples together to go along with the movie "nightmare before christmas". (kinda like the "dark side of the moon" with "wizard of oz") very cool... toked and smoked, drank, hung out with friends i haven't seen for a while, made out with marvin... went home around 3am....and today is halloween. so i went trick or treating with my sisters, my nephew, and a bunch of other kids and adults. i got a small candy bowl full of candy. pretty good for someone who doesn't have kids...lol. i watched my nephew trip and fall at least 15 times. my ankle gave out and i fell and got my knee. great times.

well i guess that's all i got for now. bye for now.

seeing what happens

well, i guess things are going good with me and marvin. we have been talking about all the risks of having sex.... and i think it may happen. he told we need to get condoms that fit properly. and i just picked up some yesterday. so we will see what happens. but other than the whole sex thing, things are awesome! he's made me supper, spends the night and holds me the whole night.... tells me that i'm a strong women, and really likes me. i'm falling for him hard! i really hope things work out. we will see.

other than that... not much going on in my life. i work a lot, hang out with friends, smoke and toke, and things along those lines. i really lead a boring life...lol. and there's nothing i can do about it.

so, that's where i'm going to end this. bye for now.

still seeing what's going on

well hello to those who are not really reading this...lol. well marvin and me are still doing what ever we are doing. he spent the night last night, this morning we were talking about herpes and all the risks involved. i guess i'm trying to convince him that it's ok to start a sexual relationship. he's very worried about contracted this... which is understandable. but i'm starting to get kind of sick of this. he gets to be pleased and all, but he won't do anything for me. i pretty much told him that if this doesn't go any farther, that we'll have to be only friends. it's really not all about the sex or anything... but it's really unfair for me. i give him pleasure that is risk free, and i go home all wound up....

and then things get more interesting. i have this friend in milwaukee that i've been talking to for a few months. i told him about how i'm kind of seeing someone, but not sure where it's going. he got sad, and said, well i guess i'm out of the picture. so i told him about why i wasn't sure what was going on. (told him about the herpes) and he said that's cool. his last girl friend had herpes. and that he really likes me.... so i'm torn. i really like marvin, i want to see it go somewhere, but if he can't except me and my problem, it'll never work. and i like alex, we talk all the time, and he is excepting of me...... so i don't know. we'll see what happens.

really.... what the fuck

ok... so i meet this guy "marvin" and we kick it off pretty nicely. we have a lot of friends in common, we enough a lot of the same things....making out with him is awesome. we've been kind of seeing each other for about a month now. his roommate knows about me, and just asked that i told him as soon as i felt ready. which i was planning any ways. well yesterday was the day. i'm not sure what is going to happen. we still made out, messed around a little. (my pants stayed on) lots of cuddling, some talking. all fine and good.

this is where i got pissed. a few nights ago i was hanging out with a few friends. one of which is also a friend of marvin. he told me that marvin already knew about me and herpes. but that he found out a few days ago. (i pretty much knew that marvin's roommate told him.) but i was not supposed to know, and i still had to tell him. which i was planning to do this past week. i was sort of ok with him knowing at first. i figured his roommate is his best friend, we have been seeing each other for a while now, so she felt it was time he knew. so later on today, i was at my friend mel's house. i told her i told marvin. and she asked me if i knew that he already knew. i said yes, that he found out a few days ago. (marvin's roommate is also mel's friend) then mel goes on to tell me that marvin's roommate was over a few weeks ago, and told her that she told marvin, and that she didn't think that i would. mel told her she should tell me what she did, and that i always tell people, and i don't mess around. no one told me.....until today. so marvin has known for at least 3 weeks. and pretended that it was all new to him as of last night. i don't know what to make out of this. i want to confront him about it. because i was completely stressed out about having to tell him as it was. and then to have to pretend that i don't know that he already knows. i was hoping that he would have told me that he knew, but wanted me to tell him kind of thing.

well, enough of my rant... bye for now

random thoughts

our lips touched, and i felt a spark
you held my hand, and i melted
your eyes, so intense
look into mine, and all i can do is smile
i want to be held by you all the time
i want you to be in my life
but i have to tell you
that i'm not as perfect as i appear
my life took a wrong turn
it's been a long battle with coming to terms with this
so how can i expect you to understand
how i can i expect you to want me?
i can see your beauty and passion
it beams through your ways and words
i can see that you are something special
and i want to be a part of that
to hold your hand, and say it's all ok
when the world falls apart
but you need to know of the thing that inhabits my body
and the pain and sorrow it can bring
so, the choice is yours
hear my story, and live our lives to the best way possible.

it's been interesting

well lately things have been interesting.... i ended up sleeping with a friend of mine, who knows what's going on in my life... and it was great... and actually the greatest part of it all was that he does not have herpes, and really didn't care that i do. it made me realize that this really isn't the end for me...lol. i've read all these stories about people with it, and finding love. but nothing has been all that great for me. and we're not planning a relationship or anything. and it may have been just that one time. but hey, if he didn't mind, then other people won't either. (at least ones with an open mind, and understands the risks, and how to protect themselves) well, that's actually it on that part of life...lol. so i'll write again later.

fuck fuck fuck!

well, i haven't wrote in a while. but then, nothing has been going on really. (and i'm sure no one reads this)

so.... still have not had a second out break! thank God! (and knock on wood...lol) i got my lip pierced with my best friend. (it's fucking hot!) started talking to "jay" again. (he still knows nothing about my herpes) my mom's adoptive father passed away 2 weeks ago. (i never really knew the man... so i never really considered him my grandpa) other than that... nothing going on.

oh! my ceiling leaks i found out. the apartment above me let their tub over flow... and it all went into my kitchen. that was sunday... and i'm still cleaning out water. why they didn't shut off the water when they realized that the tub was not draining is beyond me. but it pissed me off a lot... and my landlord has not called me back yet. bitch!

well, i guess this is where i'm going to let off for now. so bye for now.....

blah, fucking blah!

why is every thing so difficult?
why does it seem to never end?
i feel like i've felt this way for years
i feel like i've aged years in months
nothing seems good or right
i feel empty and dirty....
unworthy of love or affection
is there no end to this?
is brighter days just ahead?
i hope so....
i need days of light and love again
i need to feel normal and at peace one more time
for right now....
i feel so lonely and eager for change

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i don't know what to do. i feel so down right now. (and have since i found out about my best friend and the infector)

well, this past weekend i went camping with some friends. an ex of mine from 10 yrs ago happens to be friends with my friends boyfriend. all four of us shared one tent, 2 air beds. me and the ex got one bed together.... we both went to bed around the same time. we stay up for a while talking. we ended up making out, got pretty hot and heavy.... and then he wanted to move on farther. i ended up breaking down, and telling him i have herpes. so i couldn't have sex with him. he was awesome. he held me, petted my head, and told me it would be ok. after i stopped crying, we started to talk about the risks, and how to lower the risks. we kissed some more, and went to sleep. he held me most of the night. he made me feel good about myself. my friend hopes me and him get together. lol. who knows. he didn't freak out, but take it slow... and see if there is something there.

well i gotta head to work soonish. so bye for now.

what the fuck is going on?

wow, i found out my best friend, who tried to hook me up with my infector, is now seeing him! she is leaving her husband of 5 yrs, to be with this guy! she says there has been issues between her and her husband for a while now. (yet she has never indicated anything to me) and this is both their choice. she'll talk to me more when she's not driving. i don't know how i feel about all this. but the thing i do know is, i would never go out with the person who infected my best friend with gential herpes. it hasn't been that long. i'm still dealing with this. i don't know how i really feel towards the guy as it is.... so she thinks it's ok to go with him. wow.

and the first shocker for me was this morning. there was this guy i was hanging out with. the last time i was over there( 3 days ago ) we made out, made plans to hang out later in the week. well last night we were supposed to hang out after he got off work. well we never hung out. checked my facebook this morning, and saw he and his ex got back together. i guess they re kindled things last night. (i'm ok with this, just was a shocker)

well hopefully i will find someone. being single is fun and all, but i'm sick of it. one day......(sigh)

i guess i will let you all go for now. bye!

FUCKING BLAH!

can things be any more boring! it seems i have no life. all i do is work, eat, toke, sleep.... repeat. there's got to be more than this. it's like i'm stuck in this place. and why? because. that's why. i finally have a job where i can take time off, and not worry about it. and yet here i am, sitting at my computer, writing a blog no one reads.

and i still have next to no love life. the only person i can get any physical interaction would be the infector. (the person who gave me herpes) how lame is that? i wish things were different. i wish i was the person i was only a few months ago. i don't want to fucking deal with this anymore! but i really have no choice. (well i guess i could always just off myself) i think this has been the roughest time of my life. it's supposed to get better. (not the physical, the emotional) i feel like i should be over this, i shouldn't be upset. i should shut up and deal. but i really don't know how. i don't have anyone to talk to about this. to my friends, i'm ok. i'm dealing well. but inside, i feel so empty. all i want to do is get stoned, and pretend this isn't my life. how fucked up is that? really? drug induced happiness..... fucked up.

well, i'm all depressing, so i'm just going to shut up for now.

womenhood sucks!

yeah, having peroids sucks! the cramps, headaches, bloating.... enough said.

but all in all, today has been a good day. i got out of work at 12:30pm. today was pay day. paid all my bills, got some happiness in a bag..... going grocery shopping soonish. it's nice out side, so i biked to planned parenthood, and just all over actually. my legs ache a bit from this. (but it's a good ache)

well, i'm pretty sure "jay" is out of the picture. i haven't heard from him in almost a week and a half, i see that's he's been online, and leaves me emails left unread. so whatever. i guess i'm happy i didn't tell him anything..... could destroy my whole online dating. lol. i think i'll just give up for now, be happy as i am. i'll come across the right guy soon enough.

so yeah, my kitten doesn't understand that i don't want her on my lap. i just pushed her down like 4 times, and now she's sitting by my chair, glaring at me. lol.... cats are funny.

end of story....bye for now

i'm so bored!

my god! i'm so bored! there is really nothing to do around here. and i have no money at the moment. so it really limits me. also it's really crappy around here.... rain and temps. around 50 or so. (the temp. isn't bad... but the wind and rain)

well my best friend had her baby on saturday. a lil girl. and i got to see the birth! very awesome and beautiful. i almost cried. and she's a beautiful little girl. i'm very grateful to be apart of the whole baby being born thing.

back to me being bored.... other than seeing a baby being born, i have nothing going on in my life. the guy "jay" and i haven't talked in a while... i don't know what's going on w/ that. he doesn't know about the whole herpes thing. and as far as i know, i haven't done anything else to scare him off.... so yeah. i work all the time, then come home watch tv, if it's nice out; i'll bike, shit like that. i have no life. (this is probably why no reads this..lol)

well, i have nothing else to blab about at the moment....so yeah....bye for now.

it's finally getting warm out side!

i'm so happy! it's finally getting nice outside! winter is offically over. it's funny, i'm a winter person. but this year, i just couldn't wait for it to get nice outside. i guess biking has become a big part of who i am now, and when i can't bike i feel so blah!

well, still talking to jay. haven't seen him since last week. hopefully i'll get to see him soon again. and when i do get to see him again i think it will be the time to tell him. i'm going to start out with questions like.... where do you see "us" going? what do you want to become of this? what do you feel for me? and then, depending on his answers, i will tell him. he says he really likes me, and wants thing to go on to something. he doesn't seem to mind the whole idea of waiting for sex. he doesn't want to rush things either. so maybe this will work.... and he will still want to go on with an actual relationship. i guess i'll will have to wait and see. time will tell.

well i guess i'll let you all go for now. (not that any one really reads this) bye for now!

mmmmmmm

well, i got to see "jay" last night. it was so nice! we walked the pier, went to the lighthouse. after that, we went out for dinner. eventually we came back to my place to watch americans next top model. we made out, got each other all going....lol. but that's where it ends. if he can, he's coming over sunday. i think i'll tell him then. because i rather tell him before we get all physical. what a mood killer would that be... all touching, sheding clothes.... then "hey, i got herpes...want to continue?" i'm pretty sure that wouldn't go over that well.

well that's it for now. nothing really new going on. work...sleep...toke...work....sleep....toke. there's my life. so i'm going to cut this short. bye to all.

so nervous!

yeah, well i'm pretty sure i'm experiencing my second outbreak. no sores, just tingling and itching. but i'm on my anti viral now. so maybe this is the worse it'll get. i hope so. i can handle this.

well lets get to the meds. i finally got my prescription. went to walgreens... without insurance it would have been $49. the person at the pharmacy told me about this thing they have to help with the cost of prescriptions. all i had to do is pay $20, and register. for two months worth and the $20 copay, it cost me $32. awesome! it'll be $10 a month from now on!

i still haven't told "jay" yet. well, we haven't seen each other since the first time meeting. last week didn't work. tomorrow he is supposed to be coming around 4pm, but i forgot i have a staff meeting at 5:30pm. so we may have to reschudule again. and i'm still battling with how to tell him, and if he rejects me, how will i handle it? i really like this guy, and i want it to work. also i don't want to limit myself to other people with herpes. i really don't. i'll figure it out eventually.

i guess thats all i have tonight. bye to all that stumble on this.

still figuring things out

well i may get to see this guy again tuesday/ wensdayish. (don't you just love how i make up words) i hope so. i miss him. but i'm still finding a way to tell him. this shouldn't be so hard! i've told almost all my friends. hell, before meeting *jay (i'll call the guy "jay") i had a crush, and i told him. rejection is my biggest fear at the moment. what if he freaks out, or doesn't want to even be friends with me because of this? i guess that just means he's not meant for me. but it still sucks to be in this position.

well thats all for now. bye!

grrrrrr! why does this have to be so hard?

well, i'm still trying to figure a way to tell this guy that i have herpes. i've been looking at all these web sites about it, and all the tips on how to tell. it's all the same. be calm, be postive, have info., and see what happens. what if i never find someone? i know i'll find someone... but i think i really like this guy.

i read some of his poems on myspace. he's a very emotional and deep person it seems. from his writing, i can tell he's been fucked over, and hurt at one time. i understand that, and maybe that will be a reason for him to not take a chance with me. i'm a high risk kind of person now. why would he want to risk getting this from me, on top of being a dad, trying to improve himself, have fun. ( i know this all can be accomplished with herpes, but who really thinks that way?)

and i have to tell him soon. we had a lot of fun the other night. making out for a couple hours. all clothes stayed on, but only because they have to. that would not be the time to tell him. right in the middle of getting busy.

well, i guess i'll figure it out soon. he maybe coming over tomorrow. maybe tomorrow will be the day. who knows, i'll find out.

i met the guy

well i met the guy i have been talking to online. i had so much fun. we went for coffee. walked in the rain. we were holding hands and being all googly eyed with each other. came back to my place. we watched "pineapple express", and made out for the entire movie! it was so fun! we hope to hang out again this weekend.

if things go the way the are, i'm going to have to tell him about my condition. i hope that it doesn't matter. i really like him, and want this to go some where. and i just met him. i just feel so good in his company. and things did get pretty hot. clothes stayed on, but what if we continued? FUCK! and he says he already is falling for me. grrrrrr! i don't want this to be ruined because of me having herpes. a STD could really change things for me.

well, i hope things work out. if they don't, there will be someone out there for me. well i'm going to head off. have a good night to everyone who may read this.

i think i'm falling again!

well, i'm talking more and more to this guy. we are now friends on each others myspace. he thinks i'm "so hot!" lol. we maybe meeting for the first time tomorrow. we'll see. i hope so. he seems to be a sweetheart. responsible, funny, just someone i could get into. but i have to meet him first. you can be a completely different person online, or over the phone. but it does feel good to be told that i'm sexy, and beautiful.

i still don't know when or how to bring up my issue. do i just come out and say it? or do i wait a while, see if it'll even go anywhere with out that information out in the air. i don't know what to do. and i really have no one to talk to about it. at least no one who knows what it's like. how can my friends understand what its like to have herpes, date with herpes....etc. or they suggest dating only people who also have herpes. (and i don't want to limit myself to that) i know when i find the right one, he will stay with me. no matter what.

well, i'm pretty stoned at the moment. i quit smoking cigarettes. (a pack a day smoker, to nothing) i'm on day 5 right now. and i have had 7 cigarettes all together since i stopped buying packs. i'm less than a cigarette a day. (i had one today... and a few days ago i had 2.... but i'm getting there) but i still smoke my herbal refreshment. it helps me with the no smoking cigs. one vice for another. normally how it works i guess.

well, i'm going to head off. i'm sick of looking at the computer screen. to all (the few) who read this, have a good night (day? morning?... who knows) bye for now

it's getting better i guess

well, i'm talking to a guy online. he lives around 30mins north of sheboygan. i don't know. i haven't told him anything about me and herpes. i figure that if we meet, and devople a relationship, i'll tell him them. and hopefully by that time, it won't matter. he'll accept me for me, and not worry about some silly "skin condition"

well i don't really have anything else to say. so to all those who may read this, have a great day. and see you next time

yeah, meds are so expensive!

well tuesday is gone ans passed. and yeah, 100% sure i have herpes. which i already know. what i didn't know was the prescription is $400 with out insurance. nice......... what the hell am i supposed to do?

then i find out yesterday that my hours at work are being cut. instead of 40hrs, it'll be 28hrs! only good thing out of this is that i can get back on family waver program. which will pay for my meds.

i told me boss yesterday as well. she has been helping me find programs that can help me get my meds until i get back on the family waver. it feels good knowing that i can talk to her, and not worry about how others will take it.

and i told one of the girls at work about this, and she confided that she has genital warts. so we are both on the same page. she won't say anything, and i won't say anything. it's nice to have someone who understands what i'm going through, and someone i can talk with about all this.

well thats all i have for right now. so bye for now

BLAH!

welcome back to the few who may have read this. well i just told my friend of 18yrs that i have herpes. she just broke down and bawled. she acted like i had AIDS or cancer. like i was dying. in a way i found it funny. but then it also touched me to think how much she loves me. she was going on that it should be her. what did i do wrong? she kept saying that i do all the right things, and i still got it. while she sleeps around, uses drugs, and does fucked up shit. so i understand where she is coming from. i still found it funny how she reacted. i didn't even react that way when i found out last week.

but i'm having a good day. went to work, played with the kids. it was nice to be with my class. being there put me into a great mood, and it kept my mind off of the fact that i have herpes. i can say i truly love my job.

speaking of jobs, one of my co-workers and i were talking today. she brought up coldsores, and herpes in a joking fashion. (no one at work knows) i laughed.... it was funny. but then i said, i have friends with it. which i do. and that it's not uncommon, and most people i know that have it are like me, we don't sleep around, normally pretty protective of ourselves... etc. then she said it must be hard to deal with. i told her, yeah it is. it's scary, and lonely, but you make the best of it. just like anything else.

well thats it for now. bye for now. and hey GOD BLESS!

what the fuck?

well hello, and welcome. this is my first time i'm blogging about something very serious, and something i have to deal with the rest of my life.

this past thrusday i found out that a guy i slept with has herpes 2. (genital herpes) well, earlier that week i noticed a small pimple like bump down there. so i've been thinking about it all week, before talking with him. so when i got the call, i just knew what the bump was. i cried. i cussed a lot! i was pissed, and didn't understand why this happened to me.

my official appointment is on tuesday. but i know i have it. there are more sores. one is now a open sore. classic signs. and my god, it fucking hurts! it's hard to sit, or to pee..... (my male friend who was kind of enough to share this with me, only got it on the staff of his penis. so it wasn't as bad) back to my appointment, all the appointment is going to do, is have my condition on paper, and write me a presciption.

i think i'm handling it pretty well though. i still get up set, and cry. but it's been 3days of me obbessing over this. so i'm just live with it. be who i am. I AM NOT HERPES! I HAVE IT, AND I WILL LIVE THROUGH IT! i'm trying to keep my sprits up. most of my closest friends know. and i found out a few more of my friends who have it, and i never knew. so it'll be ok. i know i'm not a slut, i don't sleep around, and i'm normally pretty protective of my body. so, it happened. i fucked up a bit. we all do. some just get off better than others. i was the unlucky one.

i'm still debating if i tell my family. i've always been the "good one". i don't have kids, i have my own apartment, i went to college, got my associates degree, i work as a lead teacher for a 4 and 5 yr. old preschool class. i'm doing ok. i'm not a druggie, or a drunk. i pay all my bills on my own, and on time....etc. all of a sudden, i sleep with a friend, and this happens......
so, it will be hard to tell them. not that they wouldn't except me, and love me. hell, i know they would support me, and be there when needed. but my family has the biggest mouths! the city would know what's going on. and i rather not be labeled with "the girl with herpes" so right now, it's only the most trusted of my friends who know.

well that's all for now. come agian if you wish.