still figuring things out

well i may get to see this guy again tuesday/ wensdayish. (don't you just love how i make up words) i hope so. i miss him. but i'm still finding a way to tell him. this shouldn't be so hard! i've told almost all my friends. hell, before meeting *jay (i'll call the guy "jay") i had a crush, and i told him. rejection is my biggest fear at the moment. what if he freaks out, or doesn't want to even be friends with me because of this? i guess that just means he's not meant for me. but it still sucks to be in this position.

well thats all for now. bye!

grrrrrr! why does this have to be so hard?

well, i'm still trying to figure a way to tell this guy that i have herpes. i've been looking at all these web sites about it, and all the tips on how to tell. it's all the same. be calm, be postive, have info., and see what happens. what if i never find someone? i know i'll find someone... but i think i really like this guy.

i read some of his poems on myspace. he's a very emotional and deep person it seems. from his writing, i can tell he's been fucked over, and hurt at one time. i understand that, and maybe that will be a reason for him to not take a chance with me. i'm a high risk kind of person now. why would he want to risk getting this from me, on top of being a dad, trying to improve himself, have fun. ( i know this all can be accomplished with herpes, but who really thinks that way?)

and i have to tell him soon. we had a lot of fun the other night. making out for a couple hours. all clothes stayed on, but only because they have to. that would not be the time to tell him. right in the middle of getting busy.

well, i guess i'll figure it out soon. he maybe coming over tomorrow. maybe tomorrow will be the day. who knows, i'll find out.

i met the guy

well i met the guy i have been talking to online. i had so much fun. we went for coffee. walked in the rain. we were holding hands and being all googly eyed with each other. came back to my place. we watched "pineapple express", and made out for the entire movie! it was so fun! we hope to hang out again this weekend.

if things go the way the are, i'm going to have to tell him about my condition. i hope that it doesn't matter. i really like him, and want this to go some where. and i just met him. i just feel so good in his company. and things did get pretty hot. clothes stayed on, but what if we continued? FUCK! and he says he already is falling for me. grrrrrr! i don't want this to be ruined because of me having herpes. a STD could really change things for me.

well, i hope things work out. if they don't, there will be someone out there for me. well i'm going to head off. have a good night to everyone who may read this.

i think i'm falling again!

well, i'm talking more and more to this guy. we are now friends on each others myspace. he thinks i'm "so hot!" lol. we maybe meeting for the first time tomorrow. we'll see. i hope so. he seems to be a sweetheart. responsible, funny, just someone i could get into. but i have to meet him first. you can be a completely different person online, or over the phone. but it does feel good to be told that i'm sexy, and beautiful.

i still don't know when or how to bring up my issue. do i just come out and say it? or do i wait a while, see if it'll even go anywhere with out that information out in the air. i don't know what to do. and i really have no one to talk to about it. at least no one who knows what it's like. how can my friends understand what its like to have herpes, date with herpes....etc. or they suggest dating only people who also have herpes. (and i don't want to limit myself to that) i know when i find the right one, he will stay with me. no matter what.

well, i'm pretty stoned at the moment. i quit smoking cigarettes. (a pack a day smoker, to nothing) i'm on day 5 right now. and i have had 7 cigarettes all together since i stopped buying packs. i'm less than a cigarette a day. (i had one today... and a few days ago i had 2.... but i'm getting there) but i still smoke my herbal refreshment. it helps me with the no smoking cigs. one vice for another. normally how it works i guess.

well, i'm going to head off. i'm sick of looking at the computer screen. to all (the few) who read this, have a good night (day? morning?... who knows) bye for now

it's getting better i guess

well, i'm talking to a guy online. he lives around 30mins north of sheboygan. i don't know. i haven't told him anything about me and herpes. i figure that if we meet, and devople a relationship, i'll tell him them. and hopefully by that time, it won't matter. he'll accept me for me, and not worry about some silly "skin condition"

well i don't really have anything else to say. so to all those who may read this, have a great day. and see you next time

yeah, meds are so expensive!

well tuesday is gone ans passed. and yeah, 100% sure i have herpes. which i already know. what i didn't know was the prescription is $400 with out insurance. nice......... what the hell am i supposed to do?

then i find out yesterday that my hours at work are being cut. instead of 40hrs, it'll be 28hrs! only good thing out of this is that i can get back on family waver program. which will pay for my meds.

i told me boss yesterday as well. she has been helping me find programs that can help me get my meds until i get back on the family waver. it feels good knowing that i can talk to her, and not worry about how others will take it.

and i told one of the girls at work about this, and she confided that she has genital warts. so we are both on the same page. she won't say anything, and i won't say anything. it's nice to have someone who understands what i'm going through, and someone i can talk with about all this.

well thats all i have for right now. so bye for now

BLAH!

welcome back to the few who may have read this. well i just told my friend of 18yrs that i have herpes. she just broke down and bawled. she acted like i had AIDS or cancer. like i was dying. in a way i found it funny. but then it also touched me to think how much she loves me. she was going on that it should be her. what did i do wrong? she kept saying that i do all the right things, and i still got it. while she sleeps around, uses drugs, and does fucked up shit. so i understand where she is coming from. i still found it funny how she reacted. i didn't even react that way when i found out last week.

but i'm having a good day. went to work, played with the kids. it was nice to be with my class. being there put me into a great mood, and it kept my mind off of the fact that i have herpes. i can say i truly love my job.

speaking of jobs, one of my co-workers and i were talking today. she brought up coldsores, and herpes in a joking fashion. (no one at work knows) i laughed.... it was funny. but then i said, i have friends with it. which i do. and that it's not uncommon, and most people i know that have it are like me, we don't sleep around, normally pretty protective of ourselves... etc. then she said it must be hard to deal with. i told her, yeah it is. it's scary, and lonely, but you make the best of it. just like anything else.

well thats it for now. bye for now. and hey GOD BLESS!

what the fuck?

well hello, and welcome. this is my first time i'm blogging about something very serious, and something i have to deal with the rest of my life.

this past thrusday i found out that a guy i slept with has herpes 2. (genital herpes) well, earlier that week i noticed a small pimple like bump down there. so i've been thinking about it all week, before talking with him. so when i got the call, i just knew what the bump was. i cried. i cussed a lot! i was pissed, and didn't understand why this happened to me.

my official appointment is on tuesday. but i know i have it. there are more sores. one is now a open sore. classic signs. and my god, it fucking hurts! it's hard to sit, or to pee..... (my male friend who was kind of enough to share this with me, only got it on the staff of his penis. so it wasn't as bad) back to my appointment, all the appointment is going to do, is have my condition on paper, and write me a presciption.

i think i'm handling it pretty well though. i still get up set, and cry. but it's been 3days of me obbessing over this. so i'm just live with it. be who i am. I AM NOT HERPES! I HAVE IT, AND I WILL LIVE THROUGH IT! i'm trying to keep my sprits up. most of my closest friends know. and i found out a few more of my friends who have it, and i never knew. so it'll be ok. i know i'm not a slut, i don't sleep around, and i'm normally pretty protective of my body. so, it happened. i fucked up a bit. we all do. some just get off better than others. i was the unlucky one.

i'm still debating if i tell my family. i've always been the "good one". i don't have kids, i have my own apartment, i went to college, got my associates degree, i work as a lead teacher for a 4 and 5 yr. old preschool class. i'm doing ok. i'm not a druggie, or a drunk. i pay all my bills on my own, and on time....etc. all of a sudden, i sleep with a friend, and this happens......
so, it will be hard to tell them. not that they wouldn't except me, and love me. hell, i know they would support me, and be there when needed. but my family has the biggest mouths! the city would know what's going on. and i rather not be labeled with "the girl with herpes" so right now, it's only the most trusted of my friends who know.

well that's all for now. come agian if you wish.