fear

why do i even try? i mean you treat me like shit, and expect me to take it. you tell me that you found something, and you think it could be herpes.... i look and see whats going on, and give you my opinion. i tell you to go the doctor and get tested. you look at me like it's all my fault. like i never gave you warning. i was always truthful. when ever something was going on down there, i told you. i have told you how around my period, it would tingle and itch. and we never had sex during those times. then telling me that the nest i found is full of diseases. and when i give you a list of other everyday things that may carry diseases, you add " and the people you fuck" what the hell was that? go ahead and be angry, but don't look at me like i'm some disease ridden whore. you knew what you were getting into. you know the risks and you took them. so if you are angry enough to call names, and be just mean and cruel about this, look in the mirror. you choose me. you choose to lay down with me. i have never cheated on you, i have done nothing but pamper your ass. when you didn't work, clean, or really show me any feeling for me. i treated you with respect, kindness and consideration. i paid for everything, i cleaned, worked, and everything in between. so when you ask me if i didn't tell you of an outbreak, and you pretty tell me i'm some person you fucked and it fucked you back not that i'm someone who you cared about and who cared about you.... remember that i was always honest and i always looked out for you and your health. why do you feel it's ok to treat me like i'm shit. to be so angry and mean. when i found out i had herpes, and the person i got it from didn't tell me.... i didn't start treating him like shit. as far as i know, he didn't know him self. so i didn't even get a chance to think about the risks and all that goes with having this. and i didn't blame it on him for sleeping around, and not knowing who it was to give to him. i didn't call him names or treat him negatively. you knew before we ever started messing around. you were interested in me. i told you ( not knowing you knew already) that i have herpes, i told you the risks, and everything i knew. i told you 2 months before we first slept together. you had to chance and the choice to say "no". but you didn't. granted we don't know for sure what's going on. i'm not sure, it doesn't look like what my out breaks are... you say it doesn't hurt, just itches a bit.... i just don't know. but i know no matter the results our relationship will change. i hope for you that everything is good, you're in the clear. but i fear that will be the end of us. with a clean bill of health, why continue the risk.. right? and if things don't work out, i have a feeling that you will be too angry and blame this completely on me. which again will come to us parting. as i said at the beginning, why do i even try.... it's because i love you. and as crazy as it is, i don't want to lose you. with all that pisses me off about you, there is a lot that makes me love you. i wish i knew what will happen, i wish i could make it all better. i'm sorry for everything that you are going through, i do understand. and i love you.

-me

things are not what they appear

it's funny, i had a picture my friend took as a profile pic for a little while. it said "Jesus saves", but it was graffiti on a water pipe (or pipes of sorts) well that friend un-tagged the picture, and asked me to take it down, saying it didn't mean Jesus Christ..... not sure what else it could mean. but i took it down.... and just made me wonder why do we take something and make it known as something different. but then, we all do it. we all have some inside joke or code word for something. i know i do.... McDonald's to me and my co workers doesn't mean what the average person would think. but i put this "Jesus saves" because i believe it. and it was disappointing.

well other than that things in life is going well. marvin is mostly well adjusted to his 3rd shift schedule. which makes me and everyone else that comes over in a better mood. work is going well for the most part. just sick of doing the closing shift.... but hopefully that also will change.

i guess i have nothing much to say. so i'll say good night.

wheres the love

feeling so alone
i don't know how to do this anymore
i know you don't feel the same
your heart isn't with me
yet i stay here in place
letting my heart be broken
some say to let you go
it'll be easier now
but then i'm breaking my own heart
yet i know if i stay
it'll be you breaking my heart
how do i get you to see
that my heart longs for you
and why do you stay
if i'm not really for you
why don't you let me go
all this gives me a glimmer of hope
hope that you really do love me.