ummmmm

i'm missing someone dear to me. i saw him for a short time. but those few minutes i felt so alive. being told that i was missed, the sweet lil pet names he calls me..... being held by him for just a moment. for a time i felt desired and happy....

i told marvin that i have been feeling unappreciated, not desired, and that i just here for convince. i snapped on him a bit while i was cleaning, he was playing his games like normal.... and had to come to the kitchen to tell me that his friend is getting a game he wants. and i yelled at him about it. that it's always about his games..... that he never seems to go slightly out of his way to make me feel good. he then started about how he now does the dishes (once in a while) and he just did a grocery shopping. but that's not what i was talking about. he doesn't tell me that i'm pretty, or thank me for cooking, or really takes notice what i all do for him.

grrrrrr.

ummmm

remember the time you told me
that you could taste my energy?
i saw a picture that reminded me of that...
and how much passion we used to have.
running into you the other day
made my heart flutter.
you calling me love...
dear...
telling me you missed me...
hugging you
and remembering your smell...
all i wanted to hear was for you to say

is it me?

well i was going to do a stoner ramble... but coming to this site and to log in, i came across more porn on the internet browser. i don't know why it bugs me so much... i mean almost all my ex's had porn... hell i've watched it with them. but he does it all hush hush.... like i shouldn't know that he likes porn. also it kind of bugs me that our sex life has come down to a few times a month. (it used to be a few times a week) i'm a very physical person.... and almost all the men i've been with for a long term were also very sexually physical. i'm not used to or liking the lack passion, sensations, and just sex. and it doesn't have to be sex. just making out, holding each other, playing with each other..... it doesn't always have to end in sex (or B.J.). i want to feel loved, special, beautiful.... (i don't ever recalling him calling me beautiful. just sexy.... hot.... and they are not the same) i want to look at him, and see him get lost in my eyes, as i do in his. i want to feel a spark that i have felt with another..... i don't know really what to do. i care about... i love him. that's another thing... i'm afraid to say it.... that i love him. i'm afraid that he won't respond in the same way. and this is making me realize that we aren't meant to be. that this will not lead any where. and the longer i wait it out, the harder it will be to end it.... and the longer it will take to find someone who is really meant for me.... who gets me, understands me, and that isn't afraid of me and what i have.

wishes

wishing that you would notice me
i feel like i'm only a shell of what was once
i sit here and nothing changes
still wishing for sunny days
wishing for no more worries
my feelings run deep
i sometimes feel like i'll overflow
with love
i wish these times would last
because other times i feel so empty
and only you can fill this everlasting hole
i wish you felt the same
that without me
your life would be dark and empty
i sit here wishing that i was the person
i used to be
that nothing could hold me back
that regret was not in my vocabulary
i wish that i could be
the person you really wanted
that i was your dream come true
i wish you were my dream come true

well then....

well i have discovered that marvin really enjoys porn.... and nothing that even resembles me. i'm a bigger girl, very busty, very curvy.... these chicks he looks at are very thin... petite, no breasts (or next to none) i guess i shouldn't worry... but sex has been less than it ever was with us, he's never in the mood.... then seeing these images i think maybe he's not all that into me physically. that i don't turn him on.

all this makes me miss my time with another. i never felt like i wasn't good enough, sexy enough, or anything bad. i was told that i was like a goddess... that i was beautiful.... that our memories would last forever. but events of my life now restrict me from even attempting to rekindle old flames. i miss being free of all the things that make my life more complicated.

i guess this rant is about how i want to feel wanted, sexy, beautiful, and appreciated. well i guess this is all for now.

all alone for once

wow, a weekend without marvin! it's been so nice not having to worry about waking him up in the morning... or having to cook a meal... cereal has been most of my meals for the last 2 days! to come and go, and not worry about how my house will look when i get back. my ciggs and weed has been lasting me a lot longer with out him being around. i'm loving my solitude!

don't get me wrong... i love hanging out with him, and i like/ care about him a lot... even on the verge of loving him. but he's here all the time.... from the time i get up, to when i get off work, to when i go to sleep at night. i'm just not used to having someone here all the time.... i live alone so i can be alone, have my space, and not worry about what others think, need, or want....

oh! alex got a hold of me! i found out his dad passed away recently... very sad. and his building has to be torn down.... but the reason for him dropping off the face of the earth is still unknown. i'm glad that he's still around and breathing. i was very worried about him.

other than that, not much going on. my sister is getting married in a few months, my kid sister is no longer the cute little girl that i loved hanging out with.... now she's an annoying 8 yr old. so sad.... i work, but not enough... i struggle almost everyday with the stress of making sure bills are paid, cats have what they need, and that there's food in the house.

well that's it for now.

is it just chance that this happens?

i dream of your touch, your kiss, of you

and you become available.

it's almost as if it were meant to be.

i know this is more of my crazy desires

that some how you and i would rekindle

what is now only embers.

that you would look at me and past all my faults

and say you love me.

you would take my hand, and hold it tight

and kiss me until i was dizzy in your arms

i know this is just a dream

and i know it'll remain as a dream,

it'll be our memories i'll live with.

urges

it's been a while now

since our bodies have touched

since words have been exchanged

since your image was in my mind

all of a sudden

i've felt this strong urge to see you again

i've revisited our memories

all the times we shared

and i've missed you

i've missed so much about you

the willingness to feel, the passion, and beauty

i've missed you playing with my hands

you laying in my lap

showers that had nothing to do with

cleaning ourselves

i've been aching for your kiss

your touch...

memories are just not enough

i wish we could make more.

FUCK

i'm so sick of feeling like i'm being used! i go to work all fucking day, and marvin sits on his ass at my house playing his fucking computer games. he has his computer here, because i have internet, he eats my food, hardly does any kind of house work to make my day easier... then he has the nerve to tell me i still owe him $20. knowing that i have to pay my rent, my energy bill (which has gone up $20 w/ him being here all the time) grocery shopping, and do laundry. what the fuck. i mean really! it's not like i don't buy him ciggs, smoke him up all the time, feed him, and let him crash here.... and yet we're not a serious relationship. grrrr fucking grrrr! i'm so sick of it.... i get one night to myself.... then he calls to tell me he's coming back over because his roommate didn't come over. so after an hr i call him to see where he's at.... well his roommate got home, and his friend is coming over. so now he's not coming over, but didn't have the sense to call me and let me know. also makes sure i know he's going to be drinking and toking. again knowing that i'm all out of ciggs and pot. well thanks dear... i know where i rank. i don't know how much longer i can put up with this shit. i really do care about him, and would love to be in a "serious" relationship with him.... but i don't know if i can deal with this shit. even in a half assed relationship that we have, he should be doing more. he doesn't work, have no source of income, has almost everything handed to him.... (i'm really pissed that he's telling me that i owe him $) i know i do, and i will get it to him when i can. but really... should i be the one giving him $? with everything i do for him?

well enough of my ranting and raving

the way my life is

i have fell again

i don't know what to do

i love him, but i know his feelings

it all fun and games

until someone gets hurt

but i'm hurting, and the game continues

i offer my heart, only to have it trampled

and yet i hold on to a string of hope

maybe if i become a different person

maybe if i change myself to suit him

maybe his fears will disappear

then all will come together

and my heart will sing

but my brain knows that it won't be

yet my heart keeps holding on to a dream

a dream where he will look at me

and all he sees is love

that together we are safe

we are home

we are one

but it'll never be

grrrrrr fucking grrrrrr

well i had some amazing sex! and that was all fine and dandy. but afterwards marvin and i was talking about how once someone was with him, they never can go back... and so in a joking/ serious fashion, i told him that he better not leave me. and he looked at me, and said that i knew that he'll be leaving eventually. which i know... then i said, why do i always get myself into these abnormal relationships. and it's true... i always do. the last few people i've been with wasn't really anything. sex sex sex... and me falling for the guy.... and that's the problem right now. i really think i love marvin, but how can i tell him? he already knows what i want, he knows i want him to be my boyfriend. i want this to be official, and to go somewhere. i'm sick of being the one with all these emotions, and not have them shared. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?! and when will i find someone who really wants to be with me... someone who loves me in return?

mmmmmmm....

well i had a great night last night, and a great morning! had some of the best sex i have had in a long time! toked up, ate a good dinner..... this morning marvin and i got up, got physical, and then went for a walk by the lake. toked some more at the lake, looked at the ice. (which is something marvin has never done, but has lived in wisconsin almost his whole life) saw thin ice moving, breaking and cracking.... i have never actually heard ice like this before.... it was like a million crickets chirping all at once. we stayed there for about 2 hrs. just wandering around, looking at the ice formations. very cool. then we went back to his place, had fried potatos and french toast.... ahhhh.... so great!

also i am borrowing a computer from my sister, and it runs so much faster than the one i had. did all my laundry, and cleaned my apartment. it feels like i did so much....lol.... well i guess i did. i feel so accomplished at the moment.

well, i guess that's it.... i don't have anything else i can think of. so bye to those who may read this... which i doubt is anyone...lol.

it's been one year

today has been one year since i slept with the infector. it's been one year technically since i contracted herpes 2. well i can say it's not as bad as i thought i would be. once in a while my lower area itches or burns, but no actual out break! i've been lucky i think. (well there was one small outbreak, that had 1 sore that stayed around for 2 days.) i also believe the meds. helped out quite a bit.

i still wish i didn't happen. i think i'm still coping with this. it's does scare me yet. granted i've been in relationships of kinds with 2 people. marvin and i are still messing around. we've been hanging out more often lately. i really like him, and he knows what i would like to happen. but if things do not work out, will there really be someone else? marvin was different because he knew before we ever got physical with each other. but for someone who really doesn't know me, and didn't have previous knowledge of my condition. would they be so interested? would it just scare them off?

and i know if things don't work out, there will be someone out there for me. right now i'm only seeing marvin as he is now.... but he did leave me before.... partly for the ex, but also partly because of me having herpes. i know he is still scared about it, and i think this is the main reason he won't "go out with me". that would mean feelings would get stronger, and it would be hared to leave again. this is my theory. but who knows, he has been acting more affectionate. and yesterday i was talking about if i could go back in time, i would go back a year ago... never would have slept with the infector. marvin said if i didn't get it, "we would have never started dating. you would have met some one else." he said "dating".... ?????..... what does that mean? and later on in last evening, he was talking to someone on the phone and said, " i'm with my friend (______), and (______), the women i'm seeing" (i rather not use my name.... and my friend has the same name...lol. also all name have been changed to protect the other people's privacy) so now he said he was "seeing me"....???.... again confusion on my part. i haven't known what to called our relationship, so i tell people he's the person i'm sleeping with pretty much. lol. so i'm not sure what to think. and my friend who shares my name, said he was talking about me. pretty much saying how much he liked me........ (a lil bit influenced at the moment... memory is a bit fuzzy)

so yeah.... i'm going to stop rambling now.... bye for now!

wow

wow.... what an early fucking morning. marvin came over around 2 this morning, very drunk. (but only to find out he was drunker than i first thought) and he was in a very randy mood. so we got to doing things, fine and dandy. the next thing we know is the condom had came off inside me. so he got it out.... and continued on with what he was doing. had to stop him from 1st: not cumming in me... i'm not on birth control and 2nd: he didn't put a new condom on. so he re-wrapped up, and got to it again. in the heat of the moment, he called me his ex's name. we both stopped there. he was very upset about it, and very sorry. but i understood. it happens. i was upset by it, but nothing to kick him out over. (the ex lives in a different state, and has a boyfriend, so i'm not concerned)

anyways, later this morning he wakes up all randy yet. and still drunk. but we got to doing more naughtiness. he appeared all better from earlier. made no mention about calling me a different name. then he told me his still felt drunk, and really didn't remember the events that took place only hrs. before. so i told him... about the condom slipping off, him continuing on with out protection, and calling me by his ex's name. he got a little upset about the name thing. saying that he thought he was over her. but took it better than he originally did.

then after our morning after morning sex, he told me that he knew i had herpes before i told him. i told him that i knew. that his ex roommate/ex best friend told mel that she told him. and mel told me. but i was under the impression that his roommate told him after a couple weeks of us messing around. that she didn't think i would tell him. i was wrong. (when you assume, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me") she told him back before we ever started messing with each other. only maybe a month after i found out about what i had. we (marvin, his roommate and me) went out to applebee's for lunch one day. (his roommate is my friend as well) and we chit chatted, toked, and they dropped me off at home. he told her that he thought i was hot, and that's when she told him that i have herpes. months before we started anything.

with this new information, my feelings for him grew! knowing he knew from the first time we kissed... it made me feel so good. knowing that he wanted me even with the herpes. he gave me a chance, got to know me, without me knowing he knew. and i asked him out. he said no. that he was not ready for a "relationship". but it's now known that we (me and marvin) sleep with only each other. so i guess it's a step. he knows what i want, and how i feel.

so yeah... wow. i'll be back sometime soonish. bye for now.

stoner mind set

awwww.... i really wish marvin would tell me he wants more than just the physical relationship we have. again, i'm watching myself fall for him. there's just something about him.... i don't know what it is, or why i like him so much. i just do. but i don't want to be the first one to bring it up. i exposed my feelings to him before, and it left me hurt. (reason 1 why i shouldn't get involved with him again) but he makes me feel good about myself. we can just goof off, and joke around.... act like kids pretty much. i'm happy around him, i can just be myself and be ok with it. but i would like to know it's more than a passing fancy, or just friends with benefits. (reason 2, i want more than a sex partner... i want a boyfriend) i want to be his girlfriend, i want him to be my boyfriend. i guess i'll go a couple more weeks, see what happens. then i'll bring it up, see where he sits with the idea. i'm not sure if he's looking for a real relationship. for all i know, he could be still hung up about his ex. we just don't talk about it. so yeah.

it's seems like such a lazy day. the one of my 3 cats i see is sleeping, my gecko is sleeping, it's cloudy-windy-and cold outside, and yeah... i'm stoned. thank God for weekends! (well thank God for a lot more than that! thank him for everything.... everyday we should thank him..... yay God!)

well, i guess i should quit rambling.... not that thanking and giving praise to God is rambling ..... it's not. all the other stuff is pretty much just rambling though.... so yeah.... bye for now.

blarg

well, i still don't know whats going on with alex. today it's 3 weeks since i last saw and talked with him. i'm really concerned about him. but i will know nothing more until he calls me back. and it's not even about what "we" are. i just want to know that he is alive and doing as well as he can.

out side of that. marvin and i have been hanging out more. kinda picking up where we left off. lots of physical acts.... and just hanging out. i really like him, but that is nothing new. i've liked him for a while now. but i thought with him returning to his ex, that alex and i were meant to be. i guess not. marvin and his ex are no longer. (other wise i wouldn't be doing all the naughtiness that i have been) i've been thinking more and more that i really do want to be with him, but i don't know what he is feeling towards me. i know he likes me, i know we have a lot of fun together, and i know he cares about me.... but in what sense? as friends.. as something more... or is it just friends that fuck. i'm hoping i can come up with the guts to ask him. also, i know a lot of my friends are not fond of him. so am i really willing to deal with that on top of everything? (and i thought my teen years were confusing)

oh! finally got my period! yippy!!! about a month ago marvin and i slept together, the condom broke.... well just about 2 days later, i took that plan b one step pill. up until this week, everything was fine. then my time of month was late.... by 5 days. so i took a pregnacy test, it came out that there was no baby, but still no period. this morning, marvin and i were messing around. after finishing, he went to the bathroom to remove the condom. calls me in there, and there was blood on it.... i was so happy! no more worries! and we both got a good laugh out it.

well i guess that is it for now. write more later.

not sure whats going on

it's sad... saw alex a week ago, had a great time... and now i can't get a hold of him. it's not normal for us to go a week with out talking. it could be him deal with his family issues right now, but he could at least send me an e-mail, or return my calls once in a while.... i don't know.

then i get all scared that someone may have said something to him. a few weeks ago, marvin and i ended up sleeping together. we had too much to drink, and things happen. and marvin, alex, and marvin's roommate is all on myspace. someone could have said something. (even though i don't really think any of them would say anything) but you never know. all i know is i'm concerned about him, and i wish he would call. (also, alex and i are not going out, dating, or anything like that right now.... i would love to be his girlfriend, but we haven't got to that point yet)

so yeah, i've been sad about this... other things in my life.... i sprained my ankle pretty badly 2 wks ago. now i have a huge ER bill.... damn them and charging so much for an air brace ($83, which you can find at walgreens for $15) my hydrocodone (for 2 pill at the hospital it cost me $16, and i got a presciption of 15 of them for $10) and well the visit it self was $292, and x-rays were $194..... shitty. and now my younger sister is in the hospital... we found out she has corhn's disease, had to have surgery to remove a part of her intestines, her appendix was also removed, and a cyst off her ovary.... the size of a baby's head!

well that's my quick update. bye for now.