*sigh* tired of my life

well, hanging out with alex was great! we had a lot of fun. but that was two weeks ago. i miss him very much. i wish i could just see him a lot more than i get to. but that's what i get for getting involved with someone who lives an hour south of me, and neither of us drive....

well on with my rant. i'm so sick of hearing about my friends and their relationships..... all i hear is "i love him so much... he's so great..." yadayadayada. and really this is all about one friend of mine. lately i've really needed to talk to someone, and she is the one that's around. i have listened to her the last few months about her now ex boyfriend, and their problems. and now about how great her new boyfriend is. and every time i try to talk to her, open up about whats on my mind... she has to one up me, and go into her life. i am happy she is with someone she really likes, and all. but i really don't want to hear about it all the time. i would like to have my time to talk, and her to listen. she is really all about herself, and everything has to be about her and her love life. and with me, i haven't been in a good relationship in a long time, i've been lonely, and just need someone to be there. like today, she called me back (last night i called to hang out, and she was sleeping i guess) asking if i wanted to go shopping with her. well i'm going out of town for a while today. so i asked if we could hang out later today. well her and her boyfriend haven't hung out in 2 days... even though they live together... and so she can't hang out with me. i know i sound like a whinny lil kid, but really.... i need someone to hang out with, someone i can turn to when i'm feeling down. this whole herpes thing is getting me down. who is really going to want to be with me for the long run? who is going to risk their own health for me? i keep thinking about settling down, finding mr. right, having a family.... but who going to want that with me?

well that's enough of that. maybe things with alex will work out. he seems to really like me, and accepts me and all my flaws. we will have to wait and see.

i guess that it's for now... bye

down in milwakee

well here i am sitting in milwaukee. fun fun... and actually it is. i have off work... (vacation day) came up here with mel, saw her aunts new baby, and went to see my friend who recently moved here. and this is where i'm sitting right now. but the main reason to come down was to see alex. (the one friend here, that i told about my condition, and was cool with it)

i went to his work, he gave me a hug right away. then we went out back to have a cigarette. an there we just started making out. it was nice. i'll be spending the night there, and going home tomorrow or sunday.... not sure yet. also depends on how i'm getting home. if i need to, i can call mel and she'll come and get me. or alex may be able to borrow a car from his friend, and drive me home. we'll have to wait and see.

well, i think i'm going to go smoke a cig, bye for now

i thought i could trust you,
that my heart would be safe,
and that no fears would surface.
but i was wrong....
i told you the truth,
gave myself to you in all ways
that i could.
you held my hand,
and dried my tears....
and when you excepted the risk
i thought you were the one.
then you lie....
you hid behind past love.
that you have to see if it could be.
you hid behind technicalities.
that what we had was not real,
and so there is nothing to end.
testing the waters, is what he said.
and you hid behind the overcoming fear of the unknown
and it consumes you.
these are the reasons we parted ways.
all that could have been said days ago,
but you waited till now.

men suck ass

well, things between me and marvin are over. he has been avoiding me since wensday.... we finally talked saturday. he's been hanging out with his ex girlfriend, who is visiting from out of state. i guess he feels things for her. fine and dandy. but making me wait for 4 days, and just being an ass is just childish. when we did talk, he pretty much told me this was not a serious relationship, we were just "testing the waters" with each other, and that we never said we couldn't see other people. well to me, if i'm with someone for 3 months, it's a relationship. one time we were joking around, and i said i would have to tell my other boyfriend. he looked at me, and said that he hopes i don't really have someone else other than him. i said that i don't, that he was the only one in my life. so there, i took it as an understanding that we were only seeing each other, no one else.

but then he got upset about the possibility of him having herpes. he has had a bump (pimple like thing) near the head of his penis for the last 2 weeks. it doesn't hurt, burn or itch.... so i keep telling him he needs to get tested. the only way to know for sure is to get tested. that he's only stressing himself out, and he may not even have anything to worry about. then he said, that this situation would be the biggest regret of his life... and that if he has it, who would want him..... he was saying this to me... i've been dealing with this for 9 months now. i asked him, does that mean that i'm the biggest regret of his life, and he didn't say anything. and then i told him, that it isn't the end of his life, it could be worse, and that i appreciated every thing he has done. it proved to me that people still want to be with me, that i'm still worthy of love and affection.

but all in all, he said his behavior was not excusable. he should have told me about everything earlier. that he does care about me, he likes me, and i'm a really cool chick. and very dateable. it's just his heart is somewhere else. which i'm ok with... i understand everything he's feeling. from the rekindled feelings for an ex to the fears and bad stigma of herpes. but he just should of all this days ago. instead i was left there, confused, upset, and hurt.

well, i got to get back to work now... yay.... preschool age children... lol. bye for now