You

Well my dreams have come true
I saw you
You and all your glory
Though years have passed since the last
We never missed a beat
You know me,
my soul, body, and mind
You knew my needs 
That I didn't even see
Only for one day
A few fleeting moments
But new memories made
And new a sense of life
Thank you for loving me
Making me believe that I too
Deserve happiness
Even if it's just a few 
beautiful moments

it's been a while....

Well it's been a long time... wow. well no longer at the child care i was. i was there for 3 months before they decided that i wasn't what they were looking for. went to a mixed aged one room child care for 2 yrs. they just recently closed due to lack of money. now i'm at a center that has been in sheboygan for 26 yrs. i'm the lead teacher in the infant room. i'm loving it. and happy that i found this place.

march 8, i had to put down my beloved cat poof. he had a blood clot blocking the blood flow to his lower body. i had him since he was born 7 yrs ago. he was my fuzzy love, and i miss him so much! even after a month and half... it still seems weird to come home and not hear him, or see him. everyone else (marvin and my other cats) seemed to move on and find a normal life without him, but i haven't. he was the one cat who would always come to me when called, he knew when i was upset and would provide me comfort. he was the only one who loved hand play, and still would play with his tail (@ 7yrs old) he was a little off, and kind of dumb, but a great cat, pet, and member of my family.

now that i'm all teary eyed.... marvin and i have reached 4 1/2 yrs. together. not sure where it's all going, we talked of life in our later years, we talked about children, how we want to raise them, where would we live, what schools.... but he really doesn't know where he is going in life. for the last year, he has been unemployed, playing computer games, and not trying for anything. he claimed to be depressed, and had an injury.... i put an end to that, he got a job as a taxi driver were my mom works. that's been 2 weeks now. and life has been getting a little better. still hoping he's the one, and that all works out with us...

other than that, not much in life going on. (well there has been, but i'm not in the mood to go over the last 2 years of events tonight)

well it's been a while. lots have changed since my last post. i no longer work at the child care center i used to.... i left there, and worked at a local bakery for the last year. and recently i am now employed with a new child care center.... yippy! 3 weeks, going on 4.

other than that, marvin and i are still together... but it's been rough. he is working now, at the same bakery i was at. so now that he has been paying halfies on most things, he feels like he is the king of all. he had an fight with my friend/ newish neighbors... and that was 5... maybe 6 months ago. the friend has said his sorries... and my love will not forgive, and tries to say that the friend of mine (of 12 years) is not allowed over. and shit like that.

but it hasn't been all bad with us. some things have changed, as some stayed the same. i'm still not sure where this relationship will end up. i cling in hope that there is really something other than the matter of convience. i love him, i want to be with him, and i have told him this more than once. so we have to see. will he pick me, and choose a life together... or will i say enough.... and try again.

fear

why do i even try? i mean you treat me like shit, and expect me to take it. you tell me that you found something, and you think it could be herpes.... i look and see whats going on, and give you my opinion. i tell you to go the doctor and get tested. you look at me like it's all my fault. like i never gave you warning. i was always truthful. when ever something was going on down there, i told you. i have told you how around my period, it would tingle and itch. and we never had sex during those times. then telling me that the nest i found is full of diseases. and when i give you a list of other everyday things that may carry diseases, you add " and the people you fuck" what the hell was that? go ahead and be angry, but don't look at me like i'm some disease ridden whore. you knew what you were getting into. you know the risks and you took them. so if you are angry enough to call names, and be just mean and cruel about this, look in the mirror. you choose me. you choose to lay down with me. i have never cheated on you, i have done nothing but pamper your ass. when you didn't work, clean, or really show me any feeling for me. i treated you with respect, kindness and consideration. i paid for everything, i cleaned, worked, and everything in between. so when you ask me if i didn't tell you of an outbreak, and you pretty tell me i'm some person you fucked and it fucked you back not that i'm someone who you cared about and who cared about you.... remember that i was always honest and i always looked out for you and your health. why do you feel it's ok to treat me like i'm shit. to be so angry and mean. when i found out i had herpes, and the person i got it from didn't tell me.... i didn't start treating him like shit. as far as i know, he didn't know him self. so i didn't even get a chance to think about the risks and all that goes with having this. and i didn't blame it on him for sleeping around, and not knowing who it was to give to him. i didn't call him names or treat him negatively. you knew before we ever started messing around. you were interested in me. i told you ( not knowing you knew already) that i have herpes, i told you the risks, and everything i knew. i told you 2 months before we first slept together. you had to chance and the choice to say "no". but you didn't. granted we don't know for sure what's going on. i'm not sure, it doesn't look like what my out breaks are... you say it doesn't hurt, just itches a bit.... i just don't know. but i know no matter the results our relationship will change. i hope for you that everything is good, you're in the clear. but i fear that will be the end of us. with a clean bill of health, why continue the risk.. right? and if things don't work out, i have a feeling that you will be too angry and blame this completely on me. which again will come to us parting. as i said at the beginning, why do i even try.... it's because i love you. and as crazy as it is, i don't want to lose you. with all that pisses me off about you, there is a lot that makes me love you. i wish i knew what will happen, i wish i could make it all better. i'm sorry for everything that you are going through, i do understand. and i love you.

-me

things are not what they appear

it's funny, i had a picture my friend took as a profile pic for a little while. it said "Jesus saves", but it was graffiti on a water pipe (or pipes of sorts) well that friend un-tagged the picture, and asked me to take it down, saying it didn't mean Jesus Christ..... not sure what else it could mean. but i took it down.... and just made me wonder why do we take something and make it known as something different. but then, we all do it. we all have some inside joke or code word for something. i know i do.... McDonald's to me and my co workers doesn't mean what the average person would think. but i put this "Jesus saves" because i believe it. and it was disappointing.

well other than that things in life is going well. marvin is mostly well adjusted to his 3rd shift schedule. which makes me and everyone else that comes over in a better mood. work is going well for the most part. just sick of doing the closing shift.... but hopefully that also will change.

i guess i have nothing much to say. so i'll say good night.

wheres the love

feeling so alone
i don't know how to do this anymore
i know you don't feel the same
your heart isn't with me
yet i stay here in place
letting my heart be broken
some say to let you go
it'll be easier now
but then i'm breaking my own heart
yet i know if i stay
it'll be you breaking my heart
how do i get you to see
that my heart longs for you
and why do you stay
if i'm not really for you
why don't you let me go
all this gives me a glimmer of hope
hope that you really do love me.

ummmmm

i'm missing someone dear to me. i saw him for a short time. but those few minutes i felt so alive. being told that i was missed, the sweet lil pet names he calls me..... being held by him for just a moment. for a time i felt desired and happy....

i told marvin that i have been feeling unappreciated, not desired, and that i just here for convince. i snapped on him a bit while i was cleaning, he was playing his games like normal.... and had to come to the kitchen to tell me that his friend is getting a game he wants. and i yelled at him about it. that it's always about his games..... that he never seems to go slightly out of his way to make me feel good. he then started about how he now does the dishes (once in a while) and he just did a grocery shopping. but that's not what i was talking about. he doesn't tell me that i'm pretty, or thank me for cooking, or really takes notice what i all do for him.

grrrrrr.