is it me?

well i was going to do a stoner ramble... but coming to this site and to log in, i came across more porn on the internet browser. i don't know why it bugs me so much... i mean almost all my ex's had porn... hell i've watched it with them. but he does it all hush hush.... like i shouldn't know that he likes porn. also it kind of bugs me that our sex life has come down to a few times a month. (it used to be a few times a week) i'm a very physical person.... and almost all the men i've been with for a long term were also very sexually physical. i'm not used to or liking the lack passion, sensations, and just sex. and it doesn't have to be sex. just making out, holding each other, playing with each other..... it doesn't always have to end in sex (or B.J.). i want to feel loved, special, beautiful.... (i don't ever recalling him calling me beautiful. just sexy.... hot.... and they are not the same) i want to look at him, and see him get lost in my eyes, as i do in his. i want to feel a spark that i have felt with another..... i don't know really what to do. i care about... i love him. that's another thing... i'm afraid to say it.... that i love him. i'm afraid that he won't respond in the same way. and this is making me realize that we aren't meant to be. that this will not lead any where. and the longer i wait it out, the harder it will be to end it.... and the longer it will take to find someone who is really meant for me.... who gets me, understands me, and that isn't afraid of me and what i have.